Brand new “Worst Way to Die” (Click Here)
Too bad Billy Mays isn’t alive for this one. (Click Here)
Fantastic Mug Shot (Click Here)
I was asked to never ever come back. (Click Here)
Gotta guard Merv! Worst sportscast ever! (Click Here)
Ruling of legitamacy needed. (Click Here)
Doctors are paid well for a reason. They know how to fix things that we don’t want to fix by ourselves. Or we just don’t know how to fix them. For example, it is a good idea to get your prostate checked. However uncomfortable that examination is, I would rather go through the humiliation than try to check it myself. I don’t want to do that and if for some reason I did want to do that, I wouldn’t know what I was looking for. See. They earn their money. They look in your ears, in your nose, down your throat, pull the stethascope out of the freezer and listen to your chest and your back. Then they give you some medicine and all is better. I think they are worth every penny I pay them because they give you a feeling of comfort when you don’t know what is going on. I remember a time when I needed a doctor badly. (more…)
I went into the 2010 Vancouver Games with the idea to save all of my comments and just do one post instead of 17 different postings. My thought was that there would be days were there just wouldn’t be that much to talk about on every single day. And as always, I was completely right. I did, however, plan ahead and I kept a pad of paper and a pencil by the television so I wouldn’t forget anything important. So here we go. Sit back and prepare yourself for the First Annual (Don’t know word for every four years) Winter Olympics Wrap Up!!!!!!!! (more…)
Why I was asked to leave the US Bobsled Team (Click Here)
Oh Deer! (Click Here)
Milk-a-What? (Click Here)
Baby outtakes. Very Funny. (Click Here)
The greatness of Step Brothers. Touch of language at the very end. (Click Here)
Last week Steve Jobs decended from computer heaven in a Prius made of diamonds and the tears of unicorns and unveiled the new Apple iTablet. It’s a new computer whose main feature is a touch screen. I think it is a great idea. I mean, how many times have I been sitting at a computer and thought, “Wow this computer is really cool, it does sooo much. If only I didn’t have to use this mouse!” What?? I don’t understand. But I did hear that it only comes in the color white, you have to be trained at an apple store for a full week to use it, and the base price is 34,750.00, and a cooler iTablet will come out two weeks after I buy this one. The price is steep but the new Apple device has GPS, over 3000 apps, and can be rubbed to summon a genie granting three wishes.
I have a suggestion for Mr. Jobs for a new device. Make a cheap computer that I can use for music, e-mail, paying my bills, and typing. That’s all I need. Call it the iDontcare. New tech is overrated. It costs a fortune, has a short shelf life, and makes me feel more and more like an old man. (more…)
One of my kids came home from school a few weeks ago and asked me a question. “Wanna hear a joke?” I get so uneasy when I hear that question. It’s like a roladex starts feverishly spinning in my mind as I try to recall every single joke that I know so I can stop them before their mother hears it. It’s a tough spot to be in. You know that your child is looking for your acceptance, your approval as they begin their impromptu stand up. But some jokes are, well, “not the kind of jokes that we should tell people.” Those jokes are known as very funny jokes and those have absolutely no place in the mind of a child in elementary school.
I decided to go in with a fairly basic game plan. If I hear the words priest, rabbi, or Nantucket, I slowly reach down and pull the emergency brake on the joke. Then comes the standard question, “Who told you that joke?” This is a loaded question. Your prayer is that they heard it from some other kid who has older brothers. Your fear is that they just made it up on their own. I took a deep breath, sat down, and said. “Yeah, I wanna hear a joke.” So here’s the joke.
Another new year. YAHOOOOOO! 2010! HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!! Why is it that we, as humans, celebrate the coming of a new year on such a grand scale. Around the world, millions of people go nuts because it’s ten seconds until midnight. Is that really the way to send out an old year? There is so much excitement for the new year, so much hope. Hope that things will be better than the last year. So much excitement because so much is unknown about the next twelve months. Here’s something I know about the new year. During the last 10 seconds, I’ll be counting, out loud, in public, in unison, with complete strangers. (more…)
I recently ate at a chinese food buffett. It was called Eastern Food Chinese Buffett. Original name to say the least. I think the only naming option that would have been more generic would have been Chinese Food Chinese Buffett, unless they just named their resturant Food Chinese Buffett. Now the resturant is located in northern Fort Worth which isn’t really known as the hub of Asian cultural influences, although across the street there is another Chinese resturant that is named, and I am not kidding here, Pho King Way. I had no idea! I remember being explicitly told that there was absolutely no Pho King Way but I guess that person hadn’t been to this resturant. I’m not bragging but I have been to my fair share of Chinese buffetts and I have noticed quite a few similarities at every one of them. You know the drill, so here we go. (more…)
I received a phone call last week and it really caught me off guard. Normally I don’t answer my phone. Caller ID has ruined me. Now, all I do is read who is calling, quickly imagine what they want to talk to me about, say no in my mind and let it go to voicemail. But this call was different for some reason. I answered the phone and discovered that I had won a contest. They got my name from one of those fish bowls that you can throw your business card into and win a free lunch. Well, I won a lunch alright, but the food wasn’t the cool part. It was who I got to eat lunch with. Yeah, you guessed it. The man himself. Santa Claus. I took notes of our conversation and thought I would share. (more…)
Horrible name! I would have gone with the first name “Notta” (Click Here)
Question: How was your ski trip? Answer: Awful.(Click Here)
In light of the economy in recession, 10.2% unemployment, and global warming. I bring you……this
Awww Crap 